on the subject of holding back



I don’t know exactly what I mean by “hold something back,” except that I do it. I don’t know what the “something” is: It’s not sex—I’ve had sex pretty often, and I still hold back the “something,” whatever it is. It’s some part that’s a mystery, maybe even to me; but boys and men can tell they don’t possess it or haven’t been shown it, whatever it is, and that I’m not going to show it to them. This seems to draw them like ants to Coke spilled on a sidewalk in the summer. I feel it may be my essence or what I am deep down under all the layers. But if I don’t know what it is, how can I give it or share it with someone even if I wanted to? –Crescent Dragonwagon, The Year it Rained

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