- When magically granted wishes, men will choose, in this order, the following: An 18″ dick, the ability to attract women, and one of the following: obscene riches or the ability to grow breasts larger.
- No one is ever nervous or frightened at the prospect of sex. Or they get over it is sixty seconds.
- If a woman has small breasts, she will always have dark, pointy, otherwise amazing nipples.
- Practitioners of Magick have to do it nude.
- A backrub ALWAYS leads to something else.
- No one ever says “Can’t we just cuddle?”
- If a married man’s wife has a sister, the sister will be a bombshell sexpot (more beautiful than his wife) who is just aching for a chance to leap in the sack with him.
- Dozens of men worldwide have perfected mind-control devices which allow them to create huge harems.
- Menstrual periods don’t exist…except as a way for the woman to discover that she didn’t get pregnant that time, after all. (Whew! That means she and her lover can keep on doing it.)
- The only way to relieve yourself is on another person.
- No one ever says “I wish you’d shaved today.”
- If you have a hangup over a particular sex act, you’ll get over it once you try it (no matter how perverted it is).
- People in sex stories can always find the thing they’re looking for. In bed. In the tangle of sheets. In the dark.
- Any character introduced and described in more than a paragraph after the first 200 lines of a story will be involved intimately with one or more of the previously introduced characters.
- Any description of a female must include specific bra and cup size, hair color, and either “full” or “pouty” lips somewhere or another.
- Precise waist measurements are optional, but common.
- Body fat simply does not exist unless the writer has a fetish.
- Any story told with a male first-person narrator will describe any other penis in the story (if mentioned at all) as being “somewhat smaller”. Optionally: “…smaller but thicker”.
- The first sexual encounter between two people always proceeds in this order:
1) He sucks her tits.
2) He eats her pussy.
3) She sucks his dick.
4) Missionary fuck.
5) Doggy-style or anal.
Doing it any other way is against the rules.
- Women “never want a man as bad as this one.”
- Small, geeky computer nerd types are the wildest, most incredibly capable guys in the sack – oh, wait. That’s true.