things I learned from reading erotic stories-Part III




  • When magically granted wishes, men will choose, in this order, the following: An 18″ dick, the ability to attract women, and one of the following: obscene riches or the ability to grow breasts larger.
  • No one is ever nervous or frightened at the prospect of sex. Or they get over it is sixty seconds.
  • If a woman has small breasts, she will always have dark, pointy, otherwise amazing nipples.
  • Practitioners of Magick have to do it nude.
  • A backrub ALWAYS leads to something else.
  • No one ever says “Can’t we just cuddle?”
  • If a married man’s wife has a sister, the sister will be a bombshell sexpot (more beautiful than his wife) who is just aching for a chance to leap in the sack with him.
  • Dozens of men worldwide have perfected mind-control devices which allow them to create huge harems.
  • Menstrual periods don’t exist…except as a way for the woman to discover that she didn’t get pregnant that time, after all. (Whew! That means she and her lover can keep on doing it.)
  • The only way to relieve yourself is on another person.
  • No one ever says “I wish you’d shaved today.”
  • If you have a hangup over a particular sex act, you’ll get over it once you try it (no matter how perverted it is).
  • People in sex stories can always find the thing they’re looking for. In bed. In the tangle of sheets. In the dark.
  • Any character introduced and described in more than a paragraph after the first 200 lines of a story will be involved intimately with one or more of the previously introduced characters.
  • Any description of a female must include specific bra and cup size, hair color, and either “full” or “pouty” lips somewhere or another.
  • Precise waist measurements are optional, but common.
  • Body fat simply does not exist unless the writer has a fetish.
  • Any story told with a male first-person narrator will describe any other penis in the story (if mentioned at all) as being “somewhat smaller”. Optionally: “…smaller but thicker”.
  • The first sexual encounter between two people always proceeds in this order:

    1) He sucks her tits.
    2) He eats her pussy.
    3) She sucks his dick.
    4) Missionary fuck.
    5) Doggy-style or anal.

    Doing it any other way is against the rules.

  • Women “never want a man as bad as this one.”
  • Small, geeky computer nerd types are the wildest, most incredibly capable guys in the sack – oh, wait. That’s true.

2 thoughts on “things I learned from reading erotic stories-Part III

  1. I am totally hooked on erotic stories now. I don’t care. Right now. That’s the real world. Even if I have to make it so.
    Fun read!!!!!

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